


Letters to ‘God’

by Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Gen, In-Jokes, Internalized Homophobia, Letters, Parody, Self-Indulgent, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 19:01:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4931485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/pseuds/Jennifer-Oksana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when various X-Files characters write their letters of objection to the fanfic writers of the world. (Also, as this was written in the late 1990s, a key look into what was considered taboo or funny to the X-Files fic fandom in like, 1998-2000)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters to ‘God’

Dear Council of Fanfiction Authors, Local X-Files #1013,

I have been very patient in waiting for my last three requests to be presented before the council, only to have one lost due to incompetent bookkeeping and two to be dismissed on the fact that there is no “Big Bad Cabal of Unknown Fanfic Queens.” This is my FOURTH NOTICE and if you do not pay attention to this, I will nullify my contract with the #1013 and go on strike until this matter is resolved. My lawyer is also quite prepared to prepare litigation for your breach of contract against me.

My request is simple. Of late, I have been treacherously misused by fanfiction authors of your local #1013. I understand that the authors have, by definition, an almost infinite amount of freedom in writing. But there are also the niggling definitions of “in character” and “common decency,” which, I believe, will support my contention against the “author(s)” in question.

The example I have is of one Ms. Jennifer-Oksana, Esquire. (I don’t honestly believe she’s an Esquire, but that’s how she labels herself) and her horrendously frightening fiction “Inter-Office Politics.” You would not believe the barefaced cheek. Inter-Office Politics was a blatant rewrite of the Choderlos de Laclos novel “Les Liaisons dangereuses,” and featured a Mary Sue of epic proportions, one Special Agent Johnny Valmont (female). Granted, Johnny was a fun lay, but STILL! Don’t I have enough lovers to keep track of without yet another one?

Not to mention, and THIS is the horrendous part: NO WARNING! I mean, there has been that small to-do over the “character death” warning lately, but Ms. Oksana should have been required to post this warning along with her fiction, besides a simple NC-17 warning.

“WARNING: This NC-17 fanfiction features graphic sexual acts between two men that are barely consensual, m/f sexual interaction that is not for the weak of stomach, and f/f interaction. Also, there is a significant use of an original character, who also dies just as you’ve decided to like her. The story is also extremely unoriginal, if very well-written.”

I think that it’s only right, I think that it’s only PROPER that the #1013 institute a decency by-law so that the majority of us, who have chosen to interpret the show differently (i.e. in a non-slashy, non-unconventional relationship way) can avoid this.

I don’t mean to pick on anyone. My intentions are to raise public awareness of the indecency and non-courtesy of the fanfiction author’s union. They have rights, but what about we characters? Do we count for nothing?

Oh, and I have a simple question: why does everyone assume my musical tastes are so dishwater? Yes, I know I was listening to classical in the bathtub during my trip to Maine. It was part of a “Soothing Sounds” CD my mother gave me for Christmas. Also, I am one of the five women in the United States of America who does not own a copy of Sarah McLachlan’s “Surfacing” OR Tori Amos’s “From the Choirgirl Hotel” (much to the dismay of Ms. Oksana). I am sorry for any of the distress this may cause you. I do, however, own every Madonna record ever recorded, and I’m a huge Motown fan. (I can groove just as much as that little Ally McBeal, dammit!)

Anyhow, in conclusion, I would like to praise the majority of fanfic authors, who understand that yes, I am a professional woman in her mid-thirties with brains, compassion, and a balanced, if somewhat work-heavy life. I would also like to praise those who understand that I have needs. Especially all the wonderful MSR smut archivists, you have made my Friday nights (except when I go to OBSSE chat).

Sincerely Yours,

Dr. Dana K. Scully, FBI.

* * *

Dear Fanfiction People:

Hey. Could I stop being gay in fanfic? I mean, so **what**  if I checked out Mulder’s ass in "Ascension"? I did it, I admit it, it happened. But it was only a temporary gaiety. In reality, I am straight. I am so straight. I do more chicks than Wilt Chamberlain. I mean, really, I just had a really hot threesome with Willow and Cordelia from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_. I am so not gay. I mean, hell, I kissed Marita! I like girls. But not Scully. I am proud to be the only man on the programme who is not whipped by Scully. I mean, come on, you’ve seen all of those other pansy-boys. Mulder, I mean, whooh, he’s been whipped since day one, Skinner is no better, the Gunmen all do what she says when she says it, and even little Spender is afraid of Big Red.

So, if you guys would please stop writing me done up in leather and ready for a piece of Mulder, I would be highly appreciative. Also, all you sickos who have written Krycek/Pendrell– come on! Pendrell? He was a virgin!

–Alex   
P.S. Note I didn’t say anything about slash UST.

* * *

 

To the LOSERS who spend all their spare time writing amateur writing that will never get them anywhere, as compared to having a REAL LIFE:

Could you just stop writing fanfiction about me? Period? I never get to show any of my character’s deep nuances and subtly varied emotions and motives. No, I’m always “Jeffy the Spud-Boy” or “Spudner” or “Special Agent Jeff Cool” (and I *will* get that bitch who dubbed me that, you wait and see). I have **one**  archive, only one, and that dork Pendrell, who’s been dead two years, is still more popular than I am!

Why do you people hate me so much? What did I ever do to you? How come you all assume I’m a daddy’s boy? That’s so unfair! You have practically no evidence for the case! I think you’re all a bunch of two-bit whores and I could have you all taken out with ONE PHONE CALL!

Screw you guys, I’m going home. Thanks for listening, although you probably didn’t listen, just wrote another Fowley/Spender fic with Diana using a spreader bar. Sickos.

Disgruntled and Displeased,   
Special Agent Jeffrey Tyrone Spender.

* * *

 

Dear Gorgeous Ladies (and Occasional Gentleman) of Fanfiction:

Thank you so much for resurrecting me from the dead. When Chris Carter, the Almighty Creator, rather cruelly decided he needed mytharc blood and had me murdered, I thought it was all over. The dear and delightful people who let the little guy finally get the prom queen, the screwball angels who slashed me and showed me a whole new world– I thought there would be no more. I was wrong. Ever since my “death” (and it’s more and more obvious I never died, even Scully herself has mentioned I will be found sometime in her bed), my life has become richer, fuller, and more fantastic than I could ever imagine. Taking that bullet has been the best mishap of my life. I can’t say too much, I get so emotional, but thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, and re: the name issue, i.e. Sean vs. Brian. It’s all right. My full name is Sean Brian Pendrell, and my mother’s folks called me Brian, and my dad’s folks called me Sean. I answer to either name. Don’t worry about it.

Love you all a lot!   
S.B. Pendrell

* * *

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I am not an asshole, just an overprotective big brother.

And my wife is not vapid. She was just a bit hormonal from pregnancy.

My son is not the result of any bizarre fertility treatment. He’s just my mother’s first grandchild (except for Charles’ kids and they don’t count– law of primogenitor and all–).

My anger against Special Agent Fox Mulder, the kook, is my own affair, and I would kindly ask that the feud not be parlayed into a lifetime of rancor and bitterness. Really, I’m quite pleasant. Ask my wife. Ask my ex-wife. Ask my mother.

I mean it. Ask them! I’m a nice guy at heart.

So could I maybe stop being such a jerk? I mean, it’s so one-note. My people could talk to your people, we’d do lunch…?

Thanks in Advance,   
Bill Scully, Junior.

* * *

Fanfiction People:

Could you guys write a Gunmen/Scully foursome? With whipped cream and Mulder’s new waterbed? The public is crying out for it! And it could be alt-universe, whatever. Just make it NC-17 and not a dream.

Sincerely yours, Melvin Frohike

* * *

Dear Fic People.

My back hurts. My internal organs ache. I have a permanent migraine behind my eyes. There’s a growing movement to have me declared mentally unfit. I have at least two sexual dysfunctions. I can’t find a health insurance organization that will cover me. And it’s all because of YOU!

Muldertorture is NOT art, it’s sadism. It’s a willful misuse of the implied power of the author. You may enjoy the angst and darkness, but I’m the one bleeding as the love of my life dies or leaves me, or some angry person decides that I’m going to be their greatest experiment in pain ever written.

Oh and why is it that I didn’t have a bed? You people turned that canon. I had a bed in first season. Hell, I had a bed in Jose Chung. But you and Vince, you and Vince, just because I prefer the couch… I mean, I know men who have beds and pretty wives who still sleep on the couch. I can’t believe that I have a waterbed now. It’s so 1978. I’m over it. My back just keeps getting worse and worse, and all that athletic sex with Scully isn’t helping. What’s wrong with the missionary position or a good blowjob with plenty of back support, I’d like to know?

By the way, I *do* own Sarah McLachlan’s “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” and don’t you realize “Possession” is about a stalker? Love and stalking are two entirely different things. I do like the song “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy,” and if anyone’s done it in a fic, remind me, okay?

Also, I would like to heartily apologize for the ring. That was definitely not my idea. Duchovny and Carter didn’t consult with me, and I’m at as much of a loss as you to come up with a back story.

If I’m good for Christmas, can I get an NC-17 humor bit with handcuffs and whipped cream? And can Scully do all the seducing, at least until I get to a chiropractor?

Thanks to all you wonderful folks who make my life so full.

Mulder.

Just Mulder.

* * *

Dear Authors of the X-Files Fanfiction World:

Could you quit your bitching and write fic again?

Just A Simple Fan–

Sir H.C. Retrac

PS Read it drawkcab.

* * *

To All The Loyal Members and Adjuncts of the Council of Fanfiction Authors, Local X-Files #1013:

We are pleased to get so much feedback today! As statute 1.1.C states: “All authors love feedback. Send it early and often.” (statute 1.1.C is repeated at least sixteen times in the by-laws, too).

We regret to admit that we are often too busy to get to everyone’s concerns, and as statute 1.1.d states: “Creative Freedom is a central concern of the fanfic author– granted all other criterion are also addressed, except in legitimate circumstances” (which are covered in the other 800 pages of the bylaws and statutes of X-F fanfic). But here, in brief, are our responses.

Dana K. Scully: we have considered your request for proper labeling and common decency in fanfiction. Our vote was extremely close and our outcome– well, we’ve decided to form a committee about creating a committee about Labeling and Courtesy in Fanfiction. We understand your concern, and we’re thinking about it.

Alex: unfortunately, the Slash Fanfiction Authors have semi-autonomy from the greater union, and their by-law 4.5 states: “At no time shall the alternate desires of the characters overwhelm the obvious UST that is acted upon in accordance with 3.2.” Some of our members agree with your complaint, and we have agreed to send a sternly worded note to our siblings in slash. Best of luck to you.

Special Agent Jeffrey Tyrone Spender: We got the letter, but unfortunately, ninety percent of your text was eaten by the email system. As for the idea about a Spender/Fowley fic and a spreader bar– we like it. Someone will be right on it.

Pendrell: Your monthly hush money is on its way. We love you, too, Sean/Brian. Do you want more money to go to your harem or to your drug operations?

Bill Scully, Junior: Upon rewatch of “XMC/Emily” we agree Tara is not vapid. However, your request to stop being an asshole is denied, as it is your problem and not ours. Go bug CC.

Mr. Frohike: It’s possible but not likely. You’ll have to find a really sick fic author, and a couple of our finest are on vacation in the Bermuda Triangle right now.

Mulder. Just Mulder: As Section 10.4, sub-section 7.A.1.c states: “Muldertorture is Art. Deal With It.” But as section 5.8 declares: “Reality, in the form of monetary issues, is to be ignored in fanfic as it is in canon, except when the fanfiction is explicitly touching on the blatant ignorance of money in canon.” So you tell us who hasn’t insured you and we’ll fix it, okay? Now, as for your other concerns. We hear there’s a “Blow Jobs For Mulder” campaign in the works, we heard cuff fic is being presented as a Christmas gift between a pair of authors, and we’re glad you didn’t know about the ring, either.

Sir H.C. Retrac: Section 1.1.A of the book: “Fanfiction Authors reserve the explicit right and privilege to bitch whenever, however, as often, as much, and as loudly as they damn well please.” Section 1.1.B of the book: “If you don’t like it, it being defined as the issues of readers presented in the rest of the book, deal or leave.” Don’t make us explain these two simple sections again.

Thank you all so much for the fantastic feedback, and have a great week!

Sincerely, Fanfic Council 1013.


End file.
